This is an interview with the Spirit of comedy genious W.C. Fields. His words are channeled through Speaker Gerald Polley. Speaker Linda J. Polley provided the questions.

1. Was it true you left home at age 11 when your father hit you over the head with a shovel?

A. I could have sworn it was my mother, and she used a rolling pin. But I won't argue with the notes of history! Let us just say my parents were happy to have me seek lodgings elsewhere.

2. If this is true, why did he do it?

A. I decline to answer that question on the grounds that it may tend to incriminate me!

3. How did you get your style of speaking?

A. It just came naturally. It's the way I like to talk.

4. Why did you dislike the city of Philadelphia?

A. Let's just say on one of my visits there, I had a bit of a misunderstanding with the local constabulary. From that time on, I took every opportunity to make it known that in my opinion Philadelphia was the best place in the world to dispose of prune pits!

5. When you lived with your girlfriend in Long Island, did she have a son by you?

A. There is every possibility that I would have to answer to the affirmative to that question. Now that I cannot be legally bound by the answer I'll go ahead and say it.

6. Is it true that you didn't trust banks, and if so, why?

A. Have you ever had money in a bank that's closed, and didn't have any insurance? It's kind of awkward standing out in the cold, in the pouring rain because some nit wit banker bet on the horses and lost all your money. It's also not good for your asthma. That's why I don't like banks. Now-a-days people don't know how lucky they are. You can have faith in banks, now, but in my day it was better than 50/50 odds you'd lose your money.

7. Is it true you travelled across the country by car with $350,000 dollars with you?

A. That's a bit of an exaggeration! It was only $100,000! And by the time I got where I was going half of it was gone. There were too many lovely young ladies along the way!

8. Is it true you wrote "Never Give A Sucker An Even Break" while using the bathroom and wrote it on the back of an envelope?

A. Well, I would like to claim that that bit of brilliance was mine, but actually, I stole it! I think it was P.T. Barnum that first coined the phrase, but I made liberal use of it. But I do love these interesting stories!

9. How did you get along with Mae West while filming with her?

A. A dear lady that was full of vim and vigor! I always enjoyed working with her, though we at times, had our spits and spats like anyone else. It was a quite pleasant relationship; except for the times she called me a 'pompus, overbearing blimp with delusions of grandeur.' I loved her way with words! Yes, yes!

10. What is your favorite movie you starred in?

A. OH! That's like asking a fish what's its favorite part of the ocean! Frankly, my plump little peach, I can't say. I think I lean to 'My Little Chickadee'. It's ONE of my favorites. But to really pick one in particular is very difficult. It is hard to chose between so much greatness.

11. How close were you and Mae West?

A. Let's just say we had an interesting relationship...VERY interesting! I'll leave the rest to everyone's imagination, and if they haven't got one of those, they're out of luck!

12. Did you really hate kids and dogs?

A. Hate is a very strong word I don't like to use. Let me just say I had a fond dislike for anything on four legs that barked, and for small human beings in dirty diapers. Not saying I'd do them any bodily harm, but I wouldn't go out of my way to make their acquaintance, either!

13. When did you begin drinking?

A. When I was a baby and I was put up to my mother's breast. Now, if you want to know when I started indulging in alcoholic beverages, why do you think my parents desired that I seek lodgings elsewhere?

14. Were you an alcoholic?

A. Is the Yellow River in China?

15. Did you ever experiment on drugs?

A. What do you think alcohol is?

16. What is your opinion on comedians today, and do you have a favorite?

A. I didn't know you HAD any comedians today! I thought they were an extinct species, or, nearly so. George Burns is still alive, so there is still some light in the universe. When God dies, you're lost, you're lost!

17. What were your first words when you got to The Spirit World?

A. "'Anybody got any burbon? Hey, this ain't so bad after all! I might even like it here!"

18. Were you really as prejudice as you seemed to be?

A. Well, you must remember my dear, I was a produce of my day and age. Sometimes things mature with age. I hope I have matured beyond that type of thing. Prejudice is ignorance and I am afraid I was quite ignorant. However, that ignorance has passed. I no longer look upon anyone as superior or inferior. We are all God's children, whatever you perceive Him to be.

19. How did you get your ideas for the movies you wrote?

A. How do you get the ideas for the stories you write? They just come floating down the byways of that grey matter I call the brain. Pickled though it was, it sometimes DID have its moments of enlightenment! Sheerly terrifying as they were, once and a while they did occur.

20. What were your feelings on death before, and what are they now?

A. They're the same now as they used to be. When you gotta go, you gotta go. Don't worry about it, enjoy life while you got it, and don't let some otner sap make it miserable by saying everything you've done will end you up in hell. I'll let you in on a little secret....most of them end up THERE because they can't practice what they preach. While they're telling everybody else it's sinful, and not to do it, they're running around doing it themselves. I met only one honest minister in my lifetime, and I damned near died of the shock; present company, of course are excluded from my statements!

21. What do you do now in The Spirit World?

A. Mainly, have a lot of fun running around being obnoxious. But they love it, they love it! It's nice to have friends!

21. Any last words of advice for our readers?

A. Yes. Drink in moderation. Enjoy life to its fullest. But remember your obligations to your fellow man. I think that's the best advice an old drunken comedian like me can give. Someone once said it far better than I..and they nailed him to a tree because of it. He said "Above all else I tell you this....love one another."

23. Will you be available for more questions later?

A. I don't see why not. If someone out there is foolish enough to think I have anything important to say, I'd be glad to put my 2 cents worth in. Actually I think it's kind of fun!

In our January '89 issue our interview will be with the Spirit of actress Mae West, one of the most famous and attractive women in the history of American stage and films. Be sure to mail any questions you may have for her in my December 15, 1998 to be considered for publishing in the January issue.

After our July '88 interview with Brigham Young, Joel Bjorling, of Gilson, Illinois, sent these questions;

1. What are your feelings on the Mormon Teachings of spiritual wifery, blood atonement, and racial issues? Brigham Young answers thusly;

A. It is true I believe in blood atonement, but only for the most severe crimes, such as murder, the rape of a child, arson where a death was caused. These were crimes that had to be dealt with severely. I never advocated this punishment, however, for the lesser offenses. The punishment for these was community service, or expulsion from the church, which to many Mormons was worse than death.
As to racism, I will give these words. The bigot is the biggest fool that ever lived. Because of them much harm was done when the church was young, and continues to be done now. Anyone that claims to be a man of God and says others are inferior because they worship God in a different way, have a different accent, or a different color of skin, is unworthy of the faith he holds. For God is color blind, and does not care for how a man speaks, as long as he speaks with truth and honesty.
I am not quite sure about spiritual wifery. If you mean a man and woman living together without being sanctified by one ordained by God, I disapprove of this. The union between a man and a woman must have the blessings of the Divine.

2. Utah Latter Day Saints claim that the teachings on blood atonement were taught by the apostates. What does Brigham Young say?

A. The teachings of blood atonement as originally given, were taught by deacons of the church, given from council as The Law Of The People. Some of them were added to, however, by other less learned men in later years, who claimed themselves to be in equal authority with their elders. That is why I believe there is some confusion over this question.

3. Does Brigham Young have any association with James Strang in The Spirit Realm? (Both of them claimed to be successors of Joseph Smith.)

A. "I assure you," Brigham Young answers, "I have no association with such a blasphemer and destroyer of the faith, who draws off the faithful to glorify himself and to establish his own kingdom. Such are not worthy of the association of the faithful!"

A lady that wishes to remain anonymous writes to Franklin Roosevelt to ask this question:

1. A recent book claims that your dear wife, Eleanor, associated with a lady that was a known lesbian, and participated in lesbian acts with her. Is there any truth to these accusations?

A. The things some people will write to make a dollar! Of course not! There are no truths to these accusations AT ALL! Eleanor finds them quite humorous. The lady in question was in truth, her good friend. But she understood Eleanor's reputation at these ideas and never once even suggested such things. They were simply very, very good friends. Anyone that implies anything else, either does so from ignorance, or is deliberately expressing something they know to be untrue.

A girl named Shana of Orlando, FL, asks this question of Joan Of Arc, whose interview appeared in our May, 1987 issue;

1. My dearest and most beloved Joan, what is your opinion of the way girls dress today?

A. "I would," Joan says, "be too embarrassed to wear some of the things that young ladies now go about in and do not know how they can dress thusly, without being embarrassed. I think it is far better to tease a little, but leave most to the man's imagination, so that he will be interested in finding out more, later. Showing all you have to offer in the beginning, leaves you only one thing to offer later on, and a lady wishes to save THAT for her wedding night. I know this is not the custom now, but I think it is still the best. Perhaps this is merely because I cling to the old ways, to an age when things were simplier. But each must follow their own conscious, and what you are comfortable with is fine. Though nowadays I hate this thing where boys and girls dress alike. It is so hard to tell one from the other!
I so do like to see young ladies in pretty frilly things that swish as they walk, and not in these disgusting trousers that they wear now. But these are simply my opinions. And who am I to tell others how to dress and how to act? As long as a girl is of good character, what matters what she wears? It is not the clothes, but the person inside that we must take in consideration!"