We just received the best news from The Afterlife that anyone would want to hear, so had to get this right out to everyone! The Kingdom Of God has announced that sunset, New Year's Eve, Jerusalem time, Jesus' mother Mary will be returning to Earth from her visits with the extra terrestrials!  Everyone in The Afterlife is just celebrating this glorious news.  However, no one knows why Mary suddenly made this decision.  Perhaps she believes we can win the battle, that Earth isn't doomed after all!  We'll just have to wait and see, and we will give you more news on this whenever it comes through.  This is going to be one of the best New Years ever in The Kingdom Of God and, the entire Afterlife!

This most certainly is not the email that was intended today!  The news of Mary's return has caused absolute pandemonium in The Kingdom Of God!  People ran into the street crying "Our Lady's coming back!  Our Mother's coming home!  She believes in us again!  Our Lady's coming home!"  Men were hugging each other with tears running down their cheeks, and so were women.  Huge crowds gathered outside John Lennon's residence on The Way Of The Apostles, crying "We want Our Dear John! We want Our Dear John!  His friend has brought Our Lady back." This refers to a comment Mary made announcing her return mentioning one of our associates by name.
John appeared on the balcony and the crowd began to scream "Abide! Abide! Abide!"  Beatles & Friends gathered and John sang "Do Come Abide With Us Again."  Then he sang "Our Darling Mary," and some of his other new songs.
Leaders of all of the denominations in The Kingdom Of God formed a committee and went to Jesus.  "Lord," They cried, "it may be years before you drive the harlot (Hillary Clinton) from power.  We cannot wait any longer for the elevation of Our Dear John!  We beg of you, retake Your Throne for a few hours, New Year's Eve, and elevate Our Dear John to his full Apostleship! Too long he has been Apostle Designate."
Jesus smiled and answered, "It would take too long to arrange an elevation. "  "Lord," the committee's spokesman answered,  "all has been arranged since the day he defeated Gore and brought You back to us!  All that is needed is for You to announce the hour, and say 'let it be so!'  Jesus looked at all the hopeful, pleading faces around Him and answered, "Very well!  Let it be so!  Noon, Jerusalem time, New Year's Day, I will elevate John Lennon to his full Apostleship! He will become one with the other Apostles.  Go!  Get it ready.  Tell Lord Peter from noon until eight that day I will take my authority and rule over Heaven."  "Thank you, Lord!"  all the committee members cried in unison, and hurried off.
This is going to be one of the most incredible New Year's celebrations that The Kingdom Of God has ever witnessed!  Mary's return, and the elevation of John Lennon to his full Apostleship.  It would take too long to explain the entire elevation ceremony, but we already have it on line describing Joseph Smith's elevation.  The ceremony will be exactly the same except different music will be used.  It has been decided that that music shall be "Stand Up!" "Let Me Be Your Mighty Man", and "Heaven's Heroes", the three best of John's new songs to fit the occasion.

Today's email was supposed to be a letter that Jesus sent to newspapers and radio stations around the world this weekend called "He Was A She, That's It!"  We'll be saving it and publishing it in the next issue of our magazine coming out February 1st.  If anybody would like it sooner they can email us and we'll send them a copy.  But we don't want to clutter this joyous news!
Mary, The Mother Of Jesus, is coming back to Earth!  She's coming home at the beginning of New Year's Day and to celebrate John Lennon is going to be elevated to his full Apostleship, for without doubt, had it not been for John, she would never have returned.  What a day this is going to be!
This is our last transmission of the year, and I think it is a glorious one!  Let's hope we have much, much more like this to report next year.  Best wishes to all!